Love.

The truth of true love is woven into and described throughout the beautiful word of God, but after that this is the piece of writing I find most moving and most accurate concerning this powerful, wonderful emotion.....

Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.” 

The great Louis de Bernieres.

My thoughts so far....

Sup yaaallll,
                  I've had a few thoughts so far about this process and what it must mean for people who live like this all the time, I'm not convinced that any of my opinions are exciting or original, they're probably horribly clichéd but you can read about them all the same....

I have found so far that when trying to explain what I'm doing this week I've been met with confusion and occasionally ignorance; one of my colleagues said today "Oh go on, eat this sandwich, poor people would just go to a soup kitchen once they've spent their pound anyway." Her saying that demonstrated the sheer lack of understanding to me. Yes there are some people in poverty that have access to free food but the majority of people have to suffer in anonymity and isolation without the "luxury" of volunteers offering soup and a roll. People assume that extreme poverty means the homeless, but actually there are those that are malnourished and living below the poverty line in some form of housing that might go unnoticed. These ones do not have the opportunity to just eat a sandwich or enjoy surplus sweets and cake. (These things permanently fill my office at work!)

The main thing I feel I have personally learnt so far is that I have been really hungry! Shocking I know.... When living on £1 a day my daily calorie intake has been 1000 or less. This is at least half the government's recommended daily consumption for a woman, so it is of little surprise that those in this position are more susceptible to illness, fatigue and malnutrition. The long term effects of such a limited diet are startling.

Following on from feeling hunger, I have also found the meals I eat despite my body needing them to be very disappointing. I normally look forward to cooking and eating such a lot, I probably think about food much more than I should. What's been interesting here is that even though I want to eat and I look forward to not having an empty stomach the food that I'm consuming is not in any way exciting, it doesn't do the things I feel food should. It has become totally functional. In some senses I'm so glad to have this perspective, I feel already that I've been reminded about what food should be, what my body needs it to be, not what I psychologically crave or what I eat as an emotional response to situations. All too often I carry on eating when I've had enough simply because my mouth wants more of the taste....this can lead to indulgence on a regular basis that just isn't healthy.

I do think we should be able to enjoy food, we should savour each delicious mouthful and appreciate the variety of choice we have but we need to remember that while food is often used as the centre of social occasions that is not its PRIMARY purpose. I do not for a second envy people who eat only as a functionality but I do not think that my previous attitude to food was appropriate either.

I think for me it is really important to remember this balance as a daily choice in my eating habits and as I plan our portion size for mealtimes. I'm so aware of the amount of nice food Charlie and I eat and how often this is eaten in ridiculously large amounts. So I'm hoping to adjust this in order to shy away from just being greedy and live a life that is generally less excessive.

A few more days to go, I'll hit you up with some more thoughts then.....

Below the line.....

Oh hey there, 
                    Charlie and I are doing the "living below the line" challenge this week, this involves buying food to the value of £1 a day per person for five days. The figure is £1 because in 2005 the World Bank defined that those living off of $1.25 US dollars a day or less means that you're recognised as living in extreme poverty. We're only able to do 4 days of this week as it is my Mumma's birthday on Tuesday and she'd already booked a dinner out for us to go on, but we'd rather do four days than nothing at all.... To me when our weekly food shop is normally £50, suddenly spending only £8 already seemed like a real challenge but there is more to consider than just the monetary value:


1) It's so important to remember that while I might choose to spend this money on a couple of tins of beans, for thousands of others around the world the decision is not so simple. It is not just a case of buying a bit of food, for too many people it means considering transport, housing and education too. This puts a seemingly impossible strain on that tiny £1 budget and makes it apparent why so many people in this situation are struggling so much.


2) It is not only naive but also foolish and inconsiderate for people undertaking this challenge to make assumptions. I think a common thought is "Oh that seems so simple, of course I can do it" which in turn not only undermines those in genuine suffering but it also trivialises the situation and can make it seem like some sort of game. I am so so conscious that I do not want to behave like that. I dearly hope that by doing this small thing,partnering with people all around the world in just one way enables me to gain compassion, understanding and propels me to DO something more in the future. I so want to take it seriously and imagine how someone with this lifestyle might actually feel.


3) One of my initial thoughts was that I wanted to try and create meals that were as healthy and nutritionally balanced as possible within the allocated budget. I was trying to envisage a mother wanting to do the best for her children with the limitations here. Charlie and I bought our food for the week tonight and I can say that in reality the nutrient levels are low. I'm talking baked beans low......


So in case you're interested here is what £8 bought us in Tesco Express Northchurch (definitely not the cheapest shop around, and the variety is poor, but Chuckles is abit poorly and I thought he deserved a lie-in tomorrow inside of staring at tins of sweetcorn at 9am....)


-2 x 500g bags of white pasta- fusilli if you care to know,whole wheat was an unaffordable luxury.
-2 x tins of baked beans.
-2 x tins of spaghetti hoops
-2 x tins of soup (minestrone for me, cream of chick for Chaz.)
-2 x cheese and onion pasties
-1 x tin of tuscan bean soup (to use as a pasta sauce....)
-1 x jar of Ragu
-1 x loaf of best of both bread-reduced to the same price as the cheapest bread in the shop-result!
-1 x packet of egg fried rice
-1 x Banana!! Half each as a mid-week treat!


I endeavour to do this week demonstrating respect to those genuinely struggling in this situation. To gain awareness of their plight in the hope that I will be challenged into action that extends beyond moaning that I'm hungry, that moves above a basic understanding and that ultimately enables me to use my knowledge to activate change.

Challenged Changed Channelled.

I recently told God, and a lot of other people that my heart longs for community, that I want to love others without walls, without a big door to close people out, without windows which show light but offer only a glimpse of the possible brightness. I really want to bleed with people and suffer with them, to clothe others and to shelter them. I want to alter existence with my presence, which ultimately is nothing without HIS presence in me. I want Jesus and ALL His glory to be known where He is a stranger, to be welcomed where He is rejected and for precious children to discover that He is home.
     My problem though, is a little thing called FEAR.I find myself so often fearful, so worried, so anxious about everything. However much I want to be a true part of other people's lives I have to realise that my life until now has been so removed from the society in which I live. To change is to live, but to live is to be uncomfortable. You see, I'm understanding that loving my neighbour isn't just a nice way of doing things it IS the gospel, it is my only option. Discovering that is wonderful wonderful news, but I know I must be stretched in order to honour my heart's desires.
     It is a dangerous thing, to lay one's thoughts out before the Lord, He takes them seriously, He sees into our hearts and thinks "Go on then, you want this? I'm going to give you all I've got." I love that. It is terrifying though. In the last few days I have felt so grown by my Father, through simple obedience to Him in the smallest two tasks imaginable I feel suddenly alive....I am still in some ways mortified by my role in true community and what that might look like, but I feel so much more able now....do you know why? Because in my obedience I learnt that I am not able. In order to live the way I must I have to trust that He is. Who I am, or what I am not doesn't even matter. My God will not let me down, will not drop me, will not allow me to be foolish without purpose. He will sustain me, He will gently encourage me along paths of righteousness, and He will guide me. Where He leads I will follow and I suppose you call that faith.

"For by You I can run against a troop; By my God I can leap over a wall."

 2 Samuel 22 v 30

This moving, changing journey.

I've been beckoned and drawn in, 
Feet taking my body where my mind cannot swim.
Transcends understanding, this grace is so deep,
Too thick to move, yet by Him my heart leaps.


Have I really been so blind?
Scales from my eyes fall.
Seeing now in part,
Drawing closer to what looks like full.

My marriage.

I commit to you for all of my days,
'Til death us do part, what I chose to say.
Temptation will come, will it get in the way?
More than a conqueror, its for victory I pray.


We are one now in Christ,
For all of our lives.
Bound together on His path,
Covered in light, out of dark.


Let us go forth in joy,
With His song on our lips.
Yes two are better than one,
In Jesus we have overcome.

True salvation.

I am overjoyed and overcome,

Sin is ruined, His love has truly won.

I've been captured and caught up,

Grace abounding fills and shatters my cup.

Victory so sweet and now it is mine,

Not by my works but through Christ divine.

Holy, Holy I shall cry,

Losing life for You means truth I find.

Rest in His presence does not make man passive,

Fire and power we discover, our faith becomes active.

Our weak, broken bodies means we're actually so strong,

This upside down Kingdom is right when it all seems wrong.

So now we press forward, Your gospel in hand,

It is only You Jesus that can change this land.

His love is fierce, His love is strong, His love is FURIOUS!

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!


This upside down Kingdom has saved me and changed me. That moment in 2002 when I finally acknowledged Jesus as my Saviour was truly the best day I have ever known and since then it has been a truly magnificent journey. Wow, thank you Lord that Your grace is more than sufficient for me, but FLIPPING HECK, it doesn't end there. The cross and it's power, the victory it represents means that for me and for you and for all of humanity LOVE WINS every day. When we think we have God and His ways all wrapped up and understood we are making a grave mistake, for this KING of ours is surprising, and He loves surprising His most beloved children with gifts that make our greatest ever birthday presents look like ash. Guys, let me tell you again that He loves you. How can that be old news for us? Helllloooooooo I mean, come on. The MAKER of the Universe is JEALOUS for us......Tiny little me. That astonishes me and I want to remember and keep remembering that this truth means that He is in pursuit of us, all the time, that His heart aches for us, longs for us, yearns for us. If we translate this into a way we can understand; think of how you feel when you fall in love-your heart feels stretched and changed, drawn to another in ways deeper than we can measure. True love costs us. The truest love cost Him, in His most precious Son, and it is the depth and richness of this adoration He feels for us that is accessible to us EVERY DAY. He actually longs for us to experience the truth of that constantly. So let us stop feeling guilty, broken and ashamed and let us start realising that however CRAZY it might seem to our silly little minds He wants us to experience lavish love in all its loveliness now.today.always. He wants us to enjoy Him, and not only that but to revel in the freedom that Christ brings. Jesus did not say " I have come that they may have life and have it to the full" because He wanted to trick us, He said it because He meant it. So come on, lets go, let us receive Him anew and run with Him, spreading His freedom and His message of salvation to those who desperately need it. Oh and by the way that means to everyone.

Tiny thing.

I'm trying so hard right now to wrap my head around what it means and ultimately how it shapes me to know my worth in Christ. To know that the me that I say I am is probably a lie and yet I am convinced that it is truth. I have allowed the world to develop me in such a way that I am now defined by it. This is such foolishness, I cannot even believe it....Our beautiful beautiful word is so rammed full of affirmation and Heavenly love. I'm sure that Jesus is just longing for His people to realise their true identity in Him and to experience the freedom that that knowledge brings. I feel with this like a very small girl embarking on a very long journey. It is a necessary undertaking though, and one which will lead me deeper into the Father's heart and enable me release others into His embrace without holding anything back. This poem reflects the words spoken as I take the beginning steps along this path of glory......

A little fledgling tree

Is the only me I see

The only way I am

Is a breaking, broken sham

I don't have what it takes

I'm a fraud, I'm a fake

But through Jesus I'll become

A free and chosen one.

I cannot seem to write at the moment, I have so many words in my heart and my mind but the sentences tail off, unable to be finished. Perhaps what is more true is that I cannot write what I want, I cannot create beauty. I want to express how much I care about the broken, those who are forgotten. I want to tell of marriage, of the love that I possess, of the weakness I feel. I have nothing though, no ability to communicate. I have begun so many poems but ended none. I am so full yet I struggle to express the depth of emotion I have. I cannot tell if I am joyful or mournful.  Hopefully the next time words are on this page they will be ones of meaning.

God, your love for me is just epic.

Filthy pearls.

 Jumpers, handbags, coats and shoes,

       Dirt and ruin, overspilling loos,

           I want, I want, how much can I get?

               When I see broken faces, I am filled with regret.

    A message on facebook, oh look a new tweet,

       Thousands of babies with no food to eat.

         Tesco value meat, yuck, I won't eat that,

          While in Indian slums they dine on a rat.

     A Heat mag subscription, Cosmo is what I need,

        So many desperate and capable yet unable to read.

           I throw things away without any thought,

            Others treasure the rubbish of what I have bought.

      Oh yes I am "kind", really think that I'm helping,

          The bleak reality is, I am lazy, I do nothing.

            Jesus please help me, Lord I so want to be,

  

               A girl who thinks of the lost ones and not only me.

Silly little pastor.

My heart it feels wrung, oft it is broken,

For others it hurts, it must remain open.

Is this what it's like to gather up sheep?

My crook stops them wandering, but my insides, they weep.

Rest comes not at night, strife haunts me through day,

As I watch for the wolves, stay away, I pray.

Entangled with others who take up my care,

My back is left open, with nobody there.

Pain raw and stabbing, sometimes consuming,

Acute absence noted, my soul it is groaning.

Am I not enough? What I've done is forgotten,

Perhaps not the cure, maybe I am the problem.

Where are my eyes? They look to self,

Short-sighted, I am foolish, I have such wealth. 

For when I fall down, One gathers me in,

He's the true shepherd, I must follow Him.

An Adulteress Faces the Light of the World

I'm caught in a lover's embrace,

My delight soon becomes my shame,

Taken out from comfort and warmth,

Naked in both flesh and spirit.

Men I expect to be kind,

Who instead trample my trust,

They shove me and scold me,

On a journey to I know not where.

Under my feet come temple stones,

About my face accusing eyes stare.

Words are uttered to a man of power,

Gripped by fear-my fate laid out.

But no not death, only writings in the sand,

A pardon received, a challenge comes too,

Hundreds of people are leaving the room,

'Til alone I stand, I'm seen by Him.

When questions are asked I mumble response,

His words when spoken, tell of love,

My joy unbridled, I've been set free

I'll sin no more as I go from here.

Grace poured out and lavished too,

My life I will now live anew,

Oh Jesus, sweet Saviour,

I'll try to follow You.

For my dear friend.

As a girl all she needed was loving care,

All that she wanted was not there,

What she got instead were trivial things,

A car, some money, even a diamond ring.

She grew up surrounded, yet lonely still,

Bullied and broken, her confidence killed.

She ran away in the night, where to stay?

Safety and comfort in the church 'til day,

She grew as a woman always looking to love,

Even in hardship turning to Father above.

Others were blessed, even through her pain,

She learned how to smile and dance in the rain.

But inside her still the darkness gnawed,

Try as she might she felt helpless, flawed.

She struggled and toiled, needing to rest,

Always trying hard, always giving her best.

God broke into her life, told her her worth,

"You'll laugh at days to come and be filled with mirth.

Child your life it isn't a mess,

My darling, my daughter who I long to bless,

I love you my beauty beyond any measure,

Your heart is my prize, I treat it as treasure.

I know how you've suffered, been broken, worn down,

But precious, I'm building you a glorious crown.

I'll pursue you my dear, all the days of your life,

I have your plans, I'll keep you from strife.

Trust in Me love, hear what I say,

You have a fresh start, it is a new day.

Your future has hope, joy and meaning,

I'll shelter you well, you'll come out gleaming.

You'll lead lost ones to me, carry my cross,

Your life is a victory, despite all your loss.

I'm here with you now, as I always will be,

Now keep your eyes on Me, great things you will see."

Stand firm then, submit to God, resist the devil and he will flee.

I will contend, I will contend.

I will stand firm on His holy name,

In Jesus I trust, my hope will remain.

It is not over, all is not lost,

Lord I'll pursue you no matter the cost.

I will contend, I will contend.

Away with my sluggishness, go too my apathy,

Consume now O' God I want fire all over me.

I'm here in the gap, I'm standing firm too,

Please take this life, I submit only to You.

I will contend, I will contend.

Saviour, Your victory killed Satan's cause,

Now the kingdom of darkness it crumbles, it falls.

It is finished You cried, help us to see.

Now please come Holy Spirit, set people free.

I will contend.

BOOOOOM!

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself." C.S Lewis - Mere Christianity

My Giant.

It creeps up on me so suddenly

And then it's at my throat.

It overcomes my every sense

And then my hope is lost.

It fills my mouth with all kinds of hate

And then I cannot be stopped.

It makes my hands fists of rage

And then my knuckles bleed red.

It leaves as though it were not here

And then my shame is fierce.

It will soon be gone forever though

And then I'll stand set free.

Near and Far

I love you with the fire of a thousand candles,

with the strength of ten thousand men.

I love you with the might of an ocean,

with the power of an angry wind.

I love you with five hundred colours,

with the beauty of creation's song.

I love you when we're on our sofa,

doing nothing for all the day long.

Isaiah Seven.

As the trees of the wood

Are moved by the wind

Let my heart be stirred 

for You.

As the birds of the air

Soar up to the sun

Let my spirit lift praise

to You.

As the flowers of the field

Bloom in great glory

May my life release beauty

through You.

As my feet on this earth

Are treading these paths

May my patterns be chosen

by You.